Feeling All the Feels

It is the evening after my daughter’s wedding and the evening before Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve eve, if you will. I am caught like a wayward snowflake between the two events. Many tears were cried at the wedding ceremony. It was a momentous occasion for my heart. And tears will likely be cried on Christmas day; for it is the first Christmas without my mother. And the second Christmas since I lost my brother. Holidays are meant to be shared with those we love. And when family members are no longer with us, there is a poignant ache in the midst of the festivities. Holidays have often been a bittersweet time for me; forced gaiety is not my forte.

But this year there is a lightness I did not expect: a new family member to balance the loss of the others. Because, even though the wedding was planned, anticipated, and discussed for over a year, the reality of the experience made me realize that I was finally allowing something important to happen: I acknowledged that my little girl is truly a grown woman. And her husband is a man I really really like. She picked a good one! She is smarter than her ol’ mom! And it makes me feel so relieved and so very proud.

I have been told, “You are not losing your daughter, you are gaining a son.” This actually feels true! When I hugged him goodbye at breakfast this morning I realized that I was falling in love. Not like a girlfriend and not like a mother, but like someone welcoming a new family member into her heart.

So although there is much loss to reflect upon under late night candle glow, there is also a warm glow of happiness. I won’t call myself Mother in law, which evokes an image of Fred Flintstone grumbling about Wilma’s mother. We’ll have to come up with a new term, my daughter, her hubby and I. Just as I finally decided to take Oma as my grandma name, because it has the word Om in it.

That grandbaby will be another new person I will be ready to welcome in, when the time comes.

This season has shattered me with loss and showered me with blessings. I am profoundly grateful at a time when sorrow sometimes overtakes joy. I am able to ride this rollercoaster of Feelings and keep holding on.

Although I am not so appeased as to stay put and enjoy the season’s Feels at home (I am running off to Mexico with my youngest daughter while the newlyweds enjoy a New Zealand honeymoon) I have so much hope and joy and gratitude that love does exist and continue among times of loss.

And that is the gift that my daughter and husband, with their Christmas wedding, have unexpectedly given to me.

About catnipkiss

I am a writer who is working on a travel memoir. I write about issues that speak to my soul: love, sex, yoga, spirituality, body image, dating and friendship, and more as it comes up! I love comments - thanks! What would YOU like to explore?
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4 Responses to Feeling All the Feels

  1. duwaynecook says:

    I know just how you feel, I lost my dad, then my mother, then my younger brother. and then the worst of all was when my wife died.
    I’ve reached the age of 82, and much to my surprise am still breathing, well almost.
    I have many memories of wonderful Christmas celebrations, and needless to say many filled with sadness,and loneliness. but that is life is it not.
    Catnipkiss, I’ll call you that because I don’t know your name .nevertheless , I’ve followed your writing for a few years and must say do enjoy your post, you have a gift for expressing your inner emotions.
    I wish you a Merry Christmas, very best to you Duwayne

    • catnipkiss says:

      Merry Christmas to you too Duwayne! My dad is going through a similar loss and grief cycle this year; it’s hard, isn’t it? My very best wishes for a bright new year!

  2. ironmikealfa says:

    Hi, Cat. Once again,you expressed your self in a very holistic way. You tempered your sense of loss,with the feeling of something wonderful,and new. Glad the day turned out so well. Best wishes to all,and happy holidays,sweet girl. Love,’ya….

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