October 10, 2010
It is the one-year anniversary of my best friend’s marriage. A bitter-sweet date, for it was also the day – what IS it about weddings? – that I asked my love THE question – “are we making plans to be together?” And he gave me THE answer…… “Uh….., I don’t know.” Thus began a hellish journey of tortuous waiting and wondering. Mistakes were made, steps were not taken, and hearts were mangled and broken. He slowly poisoned me during this time, and I ran him over with a metaphorical truck at the very end. We both limped away from the wreckage, looking back with accusation and longing. What a mess.
Now, in picking up the pieces, I can say with a fake optimism, “Gee, I am learning so much!” It is excruciating but true. In my bull-in-a-china-closet approach to jumping back into dating, I have learned that it isn’t what I want. In this discovery, I have disappointed some very nice men, which is flattering but not helpful. I thought I missed sex. Turns out that was not really the case. I miss what I had with TF1. I miss sex with someone I loved beyond reason. It’s like figure skating, where there are two scores: one for technical, one for components like choreography and interpretation, or what I like to think of as “feelings”. Well, the sex I have had recently had great technical scores: nice size, good technique. Lacking on the “feelings” score. And the performance falls flat without this element. I’m better off with a trip to the “fun toy store” and a Springsteen CD.
So, I am turning inward. Sure I will still go out and make my presence known – flirt and watch men drool (for they still do!) and go home to my warm dog. But what will heal my torn spirit? Men are not the panacea. Someone I almost met told me the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one. But what does one do when that doesn’t work?
To start, I am back to two things I love: riding horses and hot yoga. Both are healthy and spiritual. I have signed up for a beginner’s meditation course. When I can quiet my despair, I am trying to write. November is NaNoWriMo – National Novel Writing Month! And I plan to dive in and give it a try.
And when I am ready to look at what I had with TF1 and not be sick with regret for the loss, I know it will still shine bright as a pleasant memory. We had the kind of chemistry that made our friends smile and shake their heads in envy…and people we didn’t know mutter, “get a room!” I miss that. I want it again someday – sealed with a true commitment. And I deserve that. But I know I’m not ready now. Ever the romantic, I still have some hope, and a tiny bit of faith on the good days. On the bad days, I try to not stare into the dark abyss for too long lest I stop fighting the temptation to jump. On those days I wonder how a woman with so much love to give is left to traverse the world alone, and is it worth even living in the world if there is no one to come home to at night? (Sorry, puppy. There’s always you.)
I don’t know why things don’t last. I know an awful marriage is worth escaping from. I know a love that has gone stale needs to be put aside. But I have not yet figured out how something that was electric and vibrant and passionate until the very last minute could have disappeared in a puff of smoke. Someday I’ll know. Maybe it was all just smoke and mirrors. But I was convinced it was real.
Here is a promise to myself, and to my loyal and possibly bored readers (still just you, Mom??): my next post will be about WRITING. And to tease, here is the website for NaNoWriMo. 50,000 words in a month. I believe that’s about 6 double-spaced pages a day. Hey, I can do that! Anyone want to join me?
Wishing you all the chance to realize your OWN dreams, and trying to maintain a twisted optimism clearly not based on reality,