September 24, 2010
Re-entering the single life is a time of reflection for me. I think it is wise to do this, but I hesitate to do a lot of navel-gazing (mine or others’) because I also feel like a clean slate. I want to start over fresh, or as Madonna and the creepy Duke in Moulin Rouge sing, “Like a Virgin”. Instead of beating myself up for my romantic streak (ok, it’s more like a very wide road, or perhaps even a large river) I am trying to embrace it. The Cinderella fantasy is so firmly ingrained in me that I really doubt I can shake it loose. Instead, I must educate the girl. My Cinderella seems to be adept at picking the wrong men. My therapist warned me to stay away from “projects”. I reflect upon the guys I have chosen in the past, and indeed there was something about each one that I thought might need my splendid and sensitive touch to fix. Well, news-flash, baby: it didn’t work! But what would it be like to meet a man who was already whole and ready to be a partner to me? And am I whole enough myself to be ready to meet him?
Come here, Cindy, and let’s talk about what we want in a man.
First of all, we need to not waste time looking back. Love can be a funny thing. Sometimes it is so powerful that we fall for – and stay with – men who just aren’t right for us. Even if we knew it all along, we hang in there, thinking he will change. Nope. Old dogs, new tricks. Not gonna happen! So, why not pick one who doesn’t need a major overhaul? I know that everyone has faults, including me and Cinderella – yes, even us – and the task is to pick someone who has faults we can live with, and who can live with ours, too.
And the way I fall in love needs to be looked at, too. I tend to fall hard and fast. That means the chemistry has to be almost immediate. I can grow to like someone, but I don’t know if I can grow to lust after them. And I like the lusting. So, he will have to be sexy, at least to me. And I have found some very random types of guys sexy. So, like the Supreme Court Justice said about hard-core porn, “It’s not easy to define, but I know it when I see it!”
Also, he needs to be smart. Intelligent men are a turn-on. When I told a guy I am seeing now, “I love your sense of humor!” he complained: “That’s it?” He wanted compliments on his cooking, or perhaps his love skills. Well, those were both great as well, but what really turns me on is the way he turns a phrase. That’s what keeps me coming back for more. (So men, don’t underestimate the power of flexing your wit!)
Lastly, I think he needs to be good at something I’m aspiring to. If he is very spiritual, he could lead me down that path. If he is a humanitarian, he will help me follow those impulses in myself. If he speaks Spanish, he can help me practice! I hope there will be some things he admires in me that will help him grow, too. Probably communication and intrapersonal skills, right, Mars and Venus?
So, Cinderella, my friend, let’s review: we need to be clear on what we want in a partner. We need to look forward, not back. And no more project men. So stop emailing that cute tortured sailor who is intriguingly blunt and cynical in his dating profile and his emails. He is a definite project. Plus, he’s an Aries, and we KNOW how that turns out!
And look forward with courage. Last summer, I had a lion tattooed on my ankle. It represents the courage I need to find to live an authentic life. It also represents love, since I found love again (with a Leo man) after my dismal marriage. Although that love is gone – well, not gone, maybe, but it wasn’t enough to keep us together – I still smile when I pet that lion. Ironically enough, the latest man I am seeing is also a Leo. But he is quite different from the one I just left. In so many ways.
** Big hint: my next blog might well be on inter-racial relations!
Embrace Cinderella, my friends, but be sure she is following your agenda!
Yours in purposeful exploration,