Lately, I feel like Bridget Jones. I am surrounded by a pile of self-help books. Their titles: “Why Men Won’t Commit”, “The Wisdom of a Broken Heart”, “Coming Apart: Why Relationships End”, and “Don’t Take It Personally”. Also, “A Weekend to Change Your Life and Find Your Authentic Self”. I guess that’s what I’m doing now; looking for my authentic self. Where could she be? In the last five years, she was busy being in love. When the stardust is out of your eyes, they simply seem to fill with tears, over and over and without warning. (What’s UP with that??!!??)
An authentic self: what exactly does that mean? Is that the self who is complete and fulfilled without another person? That is what people tell me I should strive for. Be okay alone. Well, I am okay. But I’m not fulfilled. I had a quote on my bulletin board (apologies for not having it with me or knowing who said it!!) – and I used it as a bookmark for a while, then misplaced it. But I remember that it went something like this: “we don’t find true happiness alone. We find it with another person.” So, even though I know I can be okay alone (and a woman with any spunk and beauty at all never HAS to be alone!) I think I believe this non-quoted statement. I think that humans, by nature, look for a partner to share their life with.
A few years ago you would have heard me SCOFF at the idea of a soul-mate. Now, I’m not sure. Although I don’t believe the Cinderella myth- one specific prince for each princess – I do believe that we forge connections with people that are like instantaneous snapshots of each other’s souls (even if only one of those people feels or knows it.) When I met TF1, I felt that immediately; I felt I saw something in him that I recognized in a deep part of myself. That’s magic. That’s unforgettable. And, sadly, (but perhaps rightly) that’s over. So maybe these connections aren’t meant to be permanent, they are transitory. Maybe soul mates, as it suggests in the pages of “Eat, Pray Love”, are people who come into our lives to fulfill a temporary need, and then move on when the task is completed.
I’m now in a magical place, Taos, New Mexico, ready to meet my authentic self. “Hellooo, are you there?” This morning I climbed to the top of a mesa with two willing canine companions, scrambled up through the rocks, heart pounding, and sat at the top of the hill overlooking the Rio Grande. On the way down, I picked up a rock, white quartz composite, laced with red lines like veins. A healing stone.
I will end with a quote I found when looking for that quote about love. It’s sweet. It’s New Mexico appropriate. And it’s what I want to be.
Randy K. Milholland, Something Positive, 02-23-10
Peace to all of you, soul-searching or not!