I will forgive myself, just this once, for doing what I thought I wouldn’t: posting a blog based on emotion. However, when your heart is aching, you may speak more exquisite truth than when you ponder, edit, and post (which is what I had intended!!)
I have had a break-up, and although I thought it would be a “good” one, I now think there is no such thing. I wanted to do this with love and respect, and not howl to the Gods: “Why, why, why??” But I find that my heart is still howling, despite my lofty goal. It is hard to spend that much time with a person (5 years) and not wonder what the hell happened. And although my love – I still think of him that way – is a private guy, and I don’t wish to besmirch his character, I still think this is worth wondering about.
As background, I was married for almost 15 years previous to this – last Wednesday would have been my 20 year anniversary! – and to a man whose character I care not of besmirching. But I just don’t think he is worth my words. I’ll call him “Hell-billy”. His tendencies ran toward alcohol, porn, and inappropriate extramarital affairs, including incenstous ones. That was a good one to escape! My latest love was a publicly outgoing, but privately insular man who had difficulty accessing his feelings. I truly think that feelings is the ultimate “F” word for men! Although he, too, was married for many years, he has found great comfort, or perhaps safety, in living alone. He is self contained. And here, his nickname shall be “Table for ONE”, because that is how I often felt when I was with him, like he only had the capacity to think for one person, never as a partner to another person. He is kind, intelligent, generous. But for some reason he just doesn’t think for two people.
Enough about TF1. He is loved and remembered fondly, and I hope to someday be friends with him. But what I am thinking, as I once again enter “the dating world” (and not searching for anything serious, but still wanting to enjoy the company of a lovely man or two) – is that you carry these things with you as you move along, and they cannot help but haunt you. Because of Hell-billy, I shall never fully trust my instincts about what a man may or may not be doing, even when asked (hint: they sometimes lie!) Because of TF1, I will be unlikely to fall for someone who seems detached. But I also was with someone very needy and jealous just before I met TF1, and that wasn’t right either.
So, what does one do when setting off into the dating world? Pack a list of prerequisites before sitting down to dinner with someone? Hand them a questionnaire? I’m sure some of my crazier tendencies have also made it onto a few exes “don’t” lists; I know I’m not perfect. But I know I do want a partner in my life someday, and both a long marriage and a fairly long relationship(and, actually, it was really mostly wonderful until the end) have ended. How do you know when you have found the right person when there are so many out there, and of course you can never meet all of them?
Forgive the run-ons and strange sentence structure. It is late and I know better. But my heart is broken and bleeding, and although this first entry may be a throw-away, it is a beginning. And I need new beginnings right now.
Peace to you all,